Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.