My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
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Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Just got to our Airbnb!
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise