my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
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Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
relationship goals
