my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
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Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.