My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
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Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
😭😭😭
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.