Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

A new level of troll.

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.