My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
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Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Smooooooth
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.