My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
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*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.