Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets