Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

Child: Turkey pancakes?!

Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.

Wife: I told you the bird was too big

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.