My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
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Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.