Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

Realize this:

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.