Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

I did not eat the cake…

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*