*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
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My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.