My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I mean…but I did
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
