My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
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Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
screw you
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“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
ugh not again
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Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
decorating my apartment
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Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
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There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting![]()
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
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