My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
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I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
*looks at you in batman voice*
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?