My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
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*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
how it started vs how it ended
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.