Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

I’d rather fork than spoon.

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.