My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
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I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Boating season is upon us.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.