My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
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M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.