My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
You Might Also Like
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Said the murderer.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.