My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
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The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
#damn
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
THE DOG😭😭💀
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey