My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
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@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Voodoo map
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.