Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

CUTE CAT‼︎

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.