My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
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Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.