Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”