Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Venn

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*