My five year plan is a meteorite
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horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
i’m gonna allow it
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.