My five year plan is a meteorite
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Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
My daily affirmation
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Think I pulled my liver
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge