My five year plan is a meteorite
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Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
lmfao come on
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
thoughts?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again