My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
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You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat