My flabber has been gasted.
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He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Follow me for more fitness tips.
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.