My flabber has been gasted.
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Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
new wife guy just dropped
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch