Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

This hospital has everything

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

Saw online –

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

😂

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.