My flabber has been gasted.
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[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
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Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
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My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.