Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

Me too

These aren’t even hard anymore.

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.