Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Yup

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.