Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.