My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
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How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.