My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
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ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.