Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

Namaste

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next