Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.