Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

“Let’s break a leg today guys!”

–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.