My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
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When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?