Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

That’s it.I’m out.