Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

Did…did a minotaur write this

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush