My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
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Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
A leaf blower, but for people.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
No chill.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.