My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
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3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Glasses
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.