My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
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ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
felt that
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails