My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
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Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
every college guy’s fridge
best review i’ve ever seen
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS