My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
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I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I hope Alan is OK
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars