My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.