My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair