My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”