Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra