Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”