My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
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If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
🤣🤣
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around