Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

make up your mind

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

Hamburger Hinderer.

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

BRO LMFAO