My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
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My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I have questions??
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher