Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

The “baby” on the left….

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”