My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
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When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.