My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
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If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
my first executive action as President would be no more pineapple on pizzas. a close second would be putting toddlers in jail who cry over receiving the wrong color cup they’re given.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”