My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
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Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Dune (2021)
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.