My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
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Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible