Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

Be the reason someone burns sage.

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

Me, sliding glass toward waitress: hit me again

Waitress: you…you want a third milkshake

Me: you heard me

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here