Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

Going into Monday like

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.

Word of the day:

Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.

Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”

As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”

Seems kinda suspicious

We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.