My fortune cookie fortune:
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| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
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My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
the official breakfast of 2021
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski