Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

What about second breakfast?

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger