Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.