Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese