My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
You Might Also Like
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out