Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

“We will wed,” I threatened

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

Wasps: bees, but not helping

I like crazy people until they notice me

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee