My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
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SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some