Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.