Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

oh shit

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

who called it hell and not heaven’t

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free