My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
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Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same