My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
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“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Spotted in New Orleans.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?