My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
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Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.