Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Okay me first

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?