Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?